People Disclose What It’s Like To Kill Someone

"13 times in my 19-year carrier (so far). Someone ended up in front of my train that didn't survive. Suicide, poor judgment or no sense of situational awareness combined with a vehicle that takes a mile or more to stop = death about 50% of the time in my experience.

"The nightmares of various incidents awaken me regularly. Pretty sure that I suffer PTSD, but, if I do something about it, I will lose my job (medically disqualified). I cannot let that happen at the moment as financial ruin would result." — Alan-anumber1

That is an astronomically high amount of times to have had this unfortunate thing happen to you! You'd think with death rates that high, that the company would provide some form of counselling for these drivers!

"I was driving on a small treacherous mountain road and my brakes went out. My friend talked me through it and I was able to stop my truck by easing into the mountainside at 55 mph. The truck flipped and rolled and landed on the edge of a cliff. My friends head was crushed during the roll. He tried to breathe but his neck was broken. He died as I was trying to talk to him." — MrHumblePants

The fact that you were talking to him as he died, at least means that he didn't die alone.

"At the time I was a single mother. A man broke into my house in the middle of the night. I shot him on my tile entry. Hit him in the eye, died on contact. Bled out all over my floor. 2yr old didn't even wake up. He had a full abduction kit in his trunk. Had 2 guns and a machete on him. DA declined to press charges, and the state cleared me of any wrongdoing. I refused the TV circuit, talking about it. honestly, I would like it if my son did not learn about it until he was at least a teen" — NoviceApproach

Keeping your child away from this sort of thing was probably the smartest move. To a child, the notion of not feeling secure in their home could have a negative impact on their mental health.

"In '76 I was 6 years old. My grandpa was my best friend and my hero. We were wrestling around one day and I hit him in the nose with my head and it started to bleed, so badly that he ended up in the hospital. He died 2 days later [...]

"Grandpa was taking blood thinners and the hospital never really got the bleeding stopped and he basically choked to death. [...] I am grateful to finally know the truth." — weinersdickpic

This was clearly an accident, thankfully this person didn't find out the truth about this until they were old enough to be able to process it.

"My mum and I were living with her boyfriend at the time (this man was a drunk and an abuser) I came home one day from school to find him beating my mum down in the kitchen. I had never even thought about standing up to this guy, he was above 6'3 and very broad but that day I came home from school made me summon all the courage I had to save my Mum.

"As I ran over to them I grabbed a fork off the table and stabbed him just below his shoulder on the back, it scared him so much that he had a heart attack and died on the floor." — TheMistyGhost

The person who wrote this confessed that even though it was an accident, they felt that their life was a lot better as a result.

"People say euthanizing is illegal for humans in the U.S. but... as a nurse, when I have palliative orders, they are to give narcotics and benzos every 5 minutes as needed. You bet your ass they're given every 5 minutes. I have killed people. They were about to die, and I hope that I took their pain away in the process, but the drugs I have given take that pain away and contribute to their death at the same time." — Fish_Frenzy

A lot of people who have watched loved ones suffering at the end of their life commented on this, praising this nurse for her attitude.

"When I was around 6, I had a habit of sleeping on the stairs. One day my sister, who was currently pregnant, was going down the stairs l, ended up tripping over me and fell down, hard.

"She ended up miscarrying. I guess it's not killing someone in a traditional sense, but in a way, I did kill my unborn niece/nephew. I never really got over it, it was and still is horrifying to me." — Derpizzle12345

Although it may not be what they consider "killing someone in the traditional sense", this is still heartbreaking.

"I was the driver in a car crash. Slid on some black ice on the freeway. Spun a few times before getting T-boned by an SUV going full speed. Friend in the passenger seat busted up his head in the windshield, my brother behind me fractured his skull, and my best friend in the passenger side back seat died. My friends, at the time, used humor to get through things. I have a dark sense of humor but they consistently went too far and I ended up leaving all my close friends" — EconosaurusRex

Apparently, the person who wrote this attempted suicide following the incident; however, after 5 years they are now doing better.

"Watched my friend fall almost a thousand feet to his death while rock climbing. No idea why he switched ropes when he was watching me secure them. He even asked me to yell when secure. Took almost 45 minutes to get down to his body. Haven't climbed since."

I don't think I could ever have taken up rock climbing, stories such as these mean I could never trust my environment no matter how secure it may be.

"I was seeing a guy for over a year. One of those amazing people [...] I loved him. He was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. He had about two years to live. Lots of headaches, seizures, he was really ashamed and fearful of being a burden.

"There was a surgery offered to him. It had a decent chance to give him an extra five to seven years. He wasn't interested and that broke my heart. We talked, I convinced him. [...]

"He had a massive stroke during the surgery and died. He had a DNR that I didn't know about, they had to let him go. His mom vomited when she found out. I'll never be able to face his family." — INFJinBermuda

"14 years old. Spent the night at my best friends house after our hometown 4th of July celebration. Woke up in the morning to find that her mother had left us to babysit her 8-month-old sister while she (the mom) ran errands. We are painting our nails on the floor of the kitchen, while the infant cruises around in her walker, and hear a crash. We forgot to put the gate up and the baby fell down the stairs in her walker [...] She hit her head on the railing and died in the hospital after 3 days in the ICU." — keepsonticking

The person who wrote this said that they had 4 years of PTSD as a result; hopefully, their friend who was also there managed to get past this awful event.

"Undercooked food at a barbeque. Woman got food poisoning, complications arose because of pre-existing conditions, she got septic and died. She had just recently had a baby, so that was left without a mother. Go me, double bubble with that f*ck up.

"So don't cook while drunk kids, because you might kill someone."

This is one of the most unlikely stories on the thread! The tone is also quite strange in this one, or is that just me?

"When I was 5 years old my family was living on a small street of an army base. My best friend lived two houses down and we would forever pick on our sisters. (Mine was 4 and his was 3) One day we thought it would be fun to climb onto the carport and yell for them to try and find us, and when they did we would splash them with water from up high.

"Mine came and it went as planned, his sister however ran into the street and was crushed by a moving truck driving by. He just screamed, I jumped off trying to get her to wake up. Everyone in the family came outside to see what was going on, only to see me trying to shake awake this bloody mess of a little girl. My family drug me away and the ambulance showed up to take away the body. My friend moved away within weeks, and I didn't play outside until we moved from that house less than a year later. [...]" —throwaway4reasons99

"When I was a medical student on my surgery rotation, I was in the OR with only the attending surgeon. The residents on service were otherwise busy, so the attending surgeon (somewhat impatiently) decides, "Fine, I'll do it with just the med student." It's a relatively straightforward case, placing a gastric tube for a patient who couldn't eat. [...]

"The attending puts a scope down the patient's esophagus and I have a big needle to push toward the scope. His scope had bright light which he shines towards the skin when he's entered the stomach and I press on the skin and see it dent in on the screen, showing we're in the right place. I thought I took that exact same position and angle, and introduced the needle. Except it didn't show up on screen. So I pulled back. Pressed again and tried again and didn't see it. The attending grows frustrated and tells me to push the needle in deeper then. I had a twinge of concern, but eventually hubbed the needle, which was several inches long. Never see it on the screen. Eventually [...] got the needle into the stomach and we finished placing the tube.

"I come back after my day off to find out that that patient died from internal bleeding. One of the multiple needle pokes - or possibly a cumulative effect - had injured arteries in the abdomen, leading to them bleeding out overnight." —drawlwhenidrink

"When I was a teenager, a drunk driver ran a red light and I hit him. He died days later in the hospital. I spent weeks in the hospital and then had to spend months after that in physical therapy. I still suffer from pain years later. I have no remorse for this man. I did find out he had prior DUIs on his record. I'm glad this drunk is off the road now. Because of his stupid choice, I could have died. I have no sympathy for a drunk driver." — StarfishGoo

Drunk driving is not only dangerous for the person doing it but can immediately ruin or damage the lives of those around them. It is a selfish and irresponsible crime.

"I was working out of town, which is pretty common in my line of work, touring with bands. [...]

"No need for a video technician. But we really liked the video technician. [...] Always saw the bright side of everything. You could always count on him to have a smile on his face, no matter how many hours we had been working.

"Our rooms were next to each other. It was a nice spring night, we sat outside on our adjoining balconies. He was a wine expert, he loved red wine. I had an unopened bottle of red in my room, and he had an unopened bottle of white in his room, which he knew I liked. He leaned over his railing to pass me a bottle, which I easily grabbed from him, the balconies were so close together. So I passed him the bottle of red from my room.

"But he slipped, on the wet balcony. [...]

"I saw him go over the railing. I saw him hit the side of the hotel. And I saw him land, 50' below me." —aceysaystenpercent

"I was 15, my best friend and I promised one another we'd call the other and let them talk us down if we were feeling suicidal. He called me around dinner one night that I planned to stay to watch the re-airing of a Colbert Report. Missed the call at dinner time but was fighting with my mom so didn't call back.

"Fell asleep before the Report, and my friend called again twice just after midnight from the roof of our high school. I slept through it, and his texts, so he jumped. It was 10 years this February 8. I'm so sorry Zach." —ameliabedelia7

"A car ran a stop sign right in front of me one night when I was heading back from a friend's house. I drilled it going at about 50 mph. Everything went dark and when I came to I was facing the opposite way on the other side of the road I'd been traveling down. [...]

I start coming to my senses and hear a car horn, I look around and realize it's coming from the car I hit, so I start sprinting as fast as I can toward it. I get up close and see that the driver's side is totally crushed, the window shattered.

"I look inside and there's an elderly man facedown against the steering wheel, laying on the horn, blood all over the place. [...] I start shaking him like crazy and yelling "Are you ok! Are you ok!" There's no response. So I pull his body back toward the car seat away from the wheel.

"And it's an old woman, not a man. Completely dead, face smashed up. Someone's mother and grandmother just lifeless and maimed sitting right in front of me. Most terrible image. Just totally terrifying and numbing to see something like that." —roastbrah

"When I was 17 I was home alone with my sister when someone broke into our house. We were watching a movie in my room and I heard the glass break when he busted out one of our widows [...] I went down the hall into my parents' room. I grabbed my dads hunting rifle and went back into the hall, and he was standing at the other end. I already had the gun leveled and I told him that I was armed and he should leave, but he just laughed at me and tried to rush me. I shot him twice in the chest." — ObviousThrowaway5130

The girl in the story's younger sister was only 4 at the time. The man died as the police arrived, it was ruled a justifiable homicide, but the girl needed counseling for a while after.

"I worked at a bar, and after the end shift a summer day a drunk person sat in a corner sleeping... I had the nearest colleague help me get him outside, but on the way out a narrow door I had to take him alone and I kinda dropped him, and he faceplanted into concrete. I couldn't get through to him, so I called an ambulance to come get him.

"Around Christmas, the drunk person's brother came by and was really angry, started throwing beer bottles around, and shouted that I was gonna get my ass kicked - the drunk person was apparently put into coma, and they've just unplugged him that day... That was the day I found out I accidentally killed a man." — KxxLxxxxx

Trying to carry the weight of a person is far from easy if you have ever tried, especially when they are limp — they are not to blame for this.

"I was 15, it was the day after my birthday and I had gotten my first gun, it was an 8 gauge shotgun meant for hunting moose. It was a break-action double-barrel shotgun. I had just loaded it and was ready to fire at some frozen Frisbees acting as clay pigeons that my uncle was going to throw for me. He threw the first one and I hit it and it shattered, one of the pieces flying straight into my uncle's neck, he bled out later that day. I still haven't picked up the gun which is laying outside my house with one shell still in its right barrel."

"1995, was living with my druggy mother and sister who was 4 years older than me. [...] Well my mom got close with one of the patrons who also drank a lot and did drugs. Well one day she broke up with him I guess and he kept coming over threatening her. A few day later she gets a call from him, not sure what was said but she tries to hurry us into the back room where we kept our clothes.. she attempts to hide us all under the clothes but I start freaking out and tried to leave the house.

"As I get to the front door a truck a pulls in. I stop and hear him get out, screaming for my mother. He tries to get in the door at first and fails, I'm about 3 feet to the side of the front door. He shoots at the door. I freak and jump on the top of the couch that is right next to the door while also grabbing my tee ball bat. He kicks and kicks at the door and it finally opens, he walks in and I powed him right in the forehead. He instantly goes out. [...]

"I didn't know until I was about 16 that he had ended up dying in the hospital between my concussion and alcohol poisoning. I don't feel bad about it though." —DiabloTerrorGF

"When I was 14 my friends and I wanted to go to the beach so I suggested the one near my house. It was notorious for bad rips but I just figured that we would spot them and stay away. It was about 6:00 pm when we got there and the life guards had gone home. We were in knee deep water when we felt the pull of a rip. Me and one other friend made it out but the two that were less than a meter further out than me couldn't.

"[...] We started looking for someone and finally found an off duty life guard 10 minutes after they were swept out. The life guard got a board and was able to save one of my friends. He couldn't find the other. Her body was found later that night. If I hadn't suggested that beach, if I had been quicker to find a life guard, if I had spotted the rip, my best friend would still be alive." —Pantlessandscared

"This happened when I was 19, and I still think about it almost every day.

"From the time I was really young, 4 or 5 probably, my dad had kidney problems. [...]He finally decided he was in too much agony to continue treatment. He came home with the plans to live his last few days in the comfort of his home surrounded with loved ones.

"[...] We knew the inevitable was going to happen, and probably very soon. He was gasping for air with every breath. To this day it's the hardest thing I've ever witnessed.

"Hospice had provided comfort drugs for the end stages, namely concentrated liquid morphine. I couldn't stand to see the strongest man I've ever known struggle anymore, so I loaded two syringes with morphine and put them under his tongue.

"I know it was the poison in his body. I know it was the sickness. I know he was suffering and I made the right decision.

"But I also have to live with the fact that I know the dose of morphine I administered was what ended it all for him. It's not easy knowing that you technically ended your father's life." —PhilMickelsonsBoobs

"Back in 6th grade this kinda dorky kid left out his iPod at school and I stole it. Later that week... he shot himself. Everyone at school was a wreck. But the worst was that among the whispers and rumors of how and why was that his iPod had been stolen. Kids were actually saying he killed himself because of his missing iPod.

"I freaked out and threw the iPod into a lake. I never told a soul about it, even my parents. It's been over 10 years, but I still think of him every day." — M_C_A

There is no way to know what this kid was going through at home; yes, you shouldn't have stolen the iPod, but this boy's death is not on your conscience.

"I made the incredibly difficult decision to sign a DNR for my 3 year old son. He suffered from multiple physical and intellectual disabilities. He spent the majority of his life in and out of the pediatric inpatient units.

"Eventually, I became so sad at that the thought of his suffering and continual downhill slide, that I made the decision to do no more. I took him home from the hospital and about 2 weeks later he went into respiratory distress and died.

"I held him for 16 hours as he struggled to breath and I remember begging the hospice nurse to keep giving him the morphine and Ativan to end it because my heart couldn't take it anymore. I know I didn't "physically" kill him, but I still made the mental decision to do so. It hurts each and every day." —Maestro_Pup

"I was 11 years old and had gotten into that tinkering phase kids go through and I was fiddling with my brakes, gears, etc. I went on a ride to a super steep hill that was really popular to test my creation.

"As I was blasting down the hill the nut that secures the handlebars jostles loose and I lose all semblance of control. I can remember the car coming towards me from the opposite direction but after that, I hit the ground. The car swerved to miss me and went straight into a tree killing the whole family; Mom, Dad and two Sons. I lived in an extremely small town and the aftermath was horrible." — TendingtoWande

"I accidentally killed my great aunt when I was 6 or 7. She'd had significant heart issues and was traveling around, visiting family as a last goodbye.

"She was sitting on the couch and I leaped out from behind and yelled 'BOO!'... she had a heart attack and died." — NedleyNoodles

I used to always jump out on my grandparents as a kid. However, when one of them had a heart attack (unrelated to the scaring I swear!) I was always terrified that I would kill one of them if I ever tried it again.

"On my first job out of college, I wrote the software used to track tigers so the government of India could find out where they were going and where poachers were poaching.

"They found some poachers. Now there are fewer poachers and more tigers. It doesn't bother me." — NSA_Chatbot

If people are going out to illegally poach rare animals, then they deserve whatever punishment that befalls them.